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Letters to Aunt Poly

Posted by Dave Smith On 6/13/2007 02:20:00 PM 1 comments

A GIS Advice Column?

Letters to Aunt Poly...

Dear Aunt Poly,

My name is .tiffany Image and I am 12 years old. I am a very responsible girl and I always keep my pixels organized like my parents have taught me. Before I go out I make sure I have them all arranged nice and neatly. As my parents always say, Image is everything.

My problem is my 8-year old brother .jpeg. He is a total slob! When friends ask him over to play, he is out the door in a flash. He leaves his pixels all over the house and never picks up after himself. Often he loses 80%, even 90% of his pixels! His teachers say he is ADD and unresolved. I say he is irresponsible. It’s really not fair, but my parents just say that I have to be more responsible because I am older. Aunt Poly, how can I teach my little brother to stop being a slob and degrading the family Image?

Dear Aunt Poly,

I’m a geodatabase featureset, just starting my sophomore year in high school. I like hanging out and interfacing with the other objects in my geodatabase. Lately it seems like I’m always in trouble with my parents. They are both coverages and are really strict! I try to do my chores and schoolwork, but the least little gap or dangle, and they go totally command-line of me – I’m locked down in edit mode, no interfacing, no hanging out, not even ODBC calls until I clean and rebuild everything! Aunty Poly, my friends’ parents are all shapefiles, and they’re not nearly so strict. How can I get my parents to lighten up and let me have a little fun?

Dear Aunt Poly,

I always took pride in my data lineage and relations. My parents told me I was descended from original double-precision stereophotogrammetry with first-order control and full AAT. Recently in my spare time I began researching the family metadata. Aunt Poly, I was shocked! I’ve found I’m originally from uncontrolled TIGER line files and old DLG data, with no standards of precision or accuracy! Aunty Poly, I’m mortified. How can I possibly look my friends in the eye? How can I forgive my parents for lying to me? Can I possibly overcome this background to make something of myself?

Dear Aunt Poly,

I’m a 22 year-old .dbf table from a small town in Alabama. My parents raised me to maintain proper rows and columns and high data standards. At a college party a few weeks ago I met a GIS file from New York. We had some foreign keys in common and we started talking. He was so interesting and sophisticated! We’ve dated every week and had several long conversations. I was really beginning to fall for him, Aunty Poly, when suddenly last night he went all graphic on me! He started talking about table-joining with me, how some of my items were so mappable, how great I’d look in 16M colors, how he wanted to see my shape points, oh, Aunt Poly, I can’t repeat the rest! I was shocked! Aunt Poly, I don’t know what to do! Can I have a nice table relationship with him? Or is he just one of those polymorphic objects my parents warned me about?

For those who want to throw tomatoes or give kudos, I cannot take claim, I got these from a friend...

1 Response for the " Letters to Aunt Poly "

  1. Matt says:

    Hah, that is some funny stuff. Thanks for the laugh!
    MH

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